Pure rot
This morning I had an appointment with the Program Chair of Ambrose University College. As pleasant as the conversation might’ve been, I was squirming in my chair uncomfortably. When asked some natural but challenging questions, I froze. Even worse, whatever I said afterward tumbled out like a tangled mess of verbal ribbons.
The quite pathetic thing is that these questions weren’t out of the ordinary. Some would even say that they were rather run-of-the-mill. For instance, when I was asked how I saw the integration of faith and learning and thus how I saw myself in a faith-based institution like this one? Or, what are my views on literary theory, especially in regards to my faith? In my thinking about all of this, the Chair wanted to know, what comes out in the wash? To my horror, I think I stammered something about the Harvey Fellows program (as re: the integration of faith and learning) and C.S. Lewis as an influential thinker. It took nearly everything in me not to crawl away in shame. Thankfully, we got started on another topic and I was able to respond more thoughtfully to questions about how I might teach a literary theory class; how I would appreciate being able to present an essentialist perspective to balance more relative perspectives. But the indictment is still there: unless I hit some sort of sweet spot, I am guilty of being completely tongue-tied in nearly all social conversations.
General verbal skills aside, I lament how much my brain has rotted away, which only compounds my inherent problem. In not reading, thinking, writing or even speaking/interacting as much as I had been previously, my ability to comprehend, synthesize, and respond quickly has rapidly deteriorated. I hate that I waste my time. One would think that with all the time that I have, I should be researching/publishing like mad. And yet, without that external stimulus of the academic setting, and that academic pressure, I am wasting away. It makes it all clear to me just why I was so happy to be in and out of the department during the spring months, popping by the offices of former professors/now colleagues, and engaging, dialoging, each time forming some new neural pathway and becoming a better thinker. Critical thinkers cannot be formed in a vacuum. How true it is that Cambridge and Oxford became the premier institutions that they are because of the intellectual networks which they both created and fostered.
So what next? Better motivation next week. A new start. The Lord knows that I am weak and so I pray that He would give me that structure to push me forward. So I hope for His grace.
