Asian ceilings
The Wall Street Journal recently published an article delineating the differences between Chinese- and Western-style parenting. It was the dinner conversation starter two nights ago, and, coincidentally, attached as a link in the first email in my inbox when I came home that evening. As of 9 am this morning, it had garnered 3,477 comments and 181,000 ‘likes’ on facebook.
Evidently topical, the article, polemically titled ‘Why Chinese Mothers are Superior’, hazards the argument that ‘stereotypically successful’ children are the product of a parenting strategy that champions hard work and negative reinforcement. The term of interest here is ‘stereotypically successful’. Tried and tested, rote repetition and the refusal to accept anything below an A does indeed instill in children a sense of fortitude as well as building a foundation for success. Yet my query is with the strict Asian definition of ‘success’. Once a child has acquired the discipline and perseverance to go beyond his or her personal limits, how is it productive for them to find that ‘success’ is limited to four occupations? Doctor, Lawyer, Accountant, Engineer.
I want to qualify the above reflection by stating that I would be more than happy if my child were to become a doctor, lawyer, accountant, or engineer. But only if that is what he or she wanted. And only if he or she were that way inclined. In other words, if he or she considered it ‘fun’. Among other insights, the article sharply points out that something is ‘fun’ once you become good at it. This is one of the virtues of Asian parenting: It enables you to make not-so-fun activities fun. Through tenacious hard work, you might discover an aptitude you would not have otherwise considered. But such a skill set is broadly applicable, and as my boyfriend pointed out last night, ‘success’ is defined as ‘the level of achievement and not by the field in which that achievement is attained’.
There is perhaps a greater issue lurking in the background. For while ‘success’ is measured by achievement, it is also characterized by the ability to dream. This is what Confucian filial piety and the feeling that you owe your parents everything and so will do whatever it takes to make them proud cannot teach you, but what – forgive me Chinese mothers – being ‘villager number six’ in a school play just might. The issue here is autonomy. If you never let your children to choose for themselves, then how will they have the courage to choose when they need to?
Exceptions notwithstanding, if we were to accept the Asian parenting model of coercion, indebtedness, and guilt, then we might consider the limitations that one might face when he or she needs to set goals for him or herself, when he or she needs to define his or her own ‘success’. The Asian parenting style might teach you discipline, but it might not be so good at teaching you how to risk. Having attained the skill set to make things happen through hard work, it is the ability to imagine and the courage to fail that is essential to pushing oneself beyond anything or what anyone could think of. Positive motivation always trumps negative motivation. Inspiration over fear. As children, we need our parents to believe that we are strong, that we can be and do anything if we put our minds to it (Asian style of parenting). We need them to tell us that we can do something that we did not think we could. But somewhere in those years of learning discipline, we must also learn what it feels like to choose, even if that choice does not bear fruit.
A fusion style of parenting might look like this:
I will teach you that you can go beyond your personal limitations. I will teach you that through hard work you can become good at something and make it fun. But I will also show you how to make good choices, and even allow you to make bad ones. I will give you the freedom to pursue those choices to success or failure. In those choices, I will not let you give up. Be a doctor, but do it well. Be a ballerina, but be prepared to train eight hours a day, six days a week. Be an artist, but create for me something I have never thought about. So you want to be a PhD in Physics? Now how about that Nobel Prize?
“now how about that nobel prize?” …love it!
Isn’t it funny that so many people identify with the model of chinese parenting? That despite being a enormous and disparate population, most of us feel as though that article was written about OUR moms? How is that possible? How can such uniformity be achieved in the area of child rearing?
The truth is: that’s exactly what we do best. We chinese can follow the rulebook (will read the rulebook), can be obedient, and more often than not are more than happy to subscribe to the formula. We don’t have to adjust our parenting styles to a child’s temperament. We are a culture that craves consistency, uniformity, and standardization.
Just an observation.
Every person is born into a culture, “We are a culture that craves ….”. Yes, that is part of the powerful ancient Chinese Culture. This is part of the reason how so many tribes & kingdoms can be held together for so long (over 2000 years) and even to this day, they are still part of China and these people recognize themselves as “Chinese”. See how it didn’t happen among the Western culture? We still have so many divided countries in Europe..